Go Philippines!: World’s Biggest Mango

Ang Pambansang Mango

It seems Team Philippines is in for a good year. The Guinness Book of World Records has certified a 3.5-kilogram mango from Iligan City as the world’s largest, beating a 2.4-kilo one from Canada.

Said mango will be honored in separate resolutions at the House of Representatives and the Senate for proving that the Filipino can. Grow enormous mangoes, in this case.

Feelers from political parties have already sent overtures for endorsement deals, but growers Sergio and Maria Socorro Bodiongan are keeping their options open.

While the ripe mango’s yellow color would make it a shoo-in to join the Liberal Party, the mango may opt to side with the Nacionalista Party for its affiliation with peasant groups. On the other hand, it is currently green, the color of Lakas-Kampi chairman Gilbert Teodoro Jr.

Growers from Canada and other countries where mangoes are grown have hinted at the use of performance-enhancing fertilizers, but the Socorros denied this.

“They are just jealous and want to keep the Filipino down,” they reportedly said.

Gramps Keeps it Gangsta

Remember that grade school retort “wala yan sa lolo ko? (roughly: my grandfather is even more badass than that)” that nobody ever really used except ironically?

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It’s all political

So, apparently, a senate report censuring Sen. Manuel Villar Jr over the C-5 Road Extension project is ‘political’, and the non-political, non-partisan solution is to organize a coup to unseat Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile, who also chairs the Committee of the Whole probing the issue?

nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura?

Sen. Villar

Here’s a news flash for you, senator: it’s all political. You’re a politician, for God’s sake. That goes for all of you guys. Cry me a goddamned river.

When online electioneering goes too far

With the billions that he’s putting into his presidential campaign, Senator Manuel Bamba Villar Jr. might as well buy the entire Internet. He’s on Google AdSense, he’s on Twitter, he’s even on facebook, suggesting that you become his fan or friend or both.

He’s everywhere now, and he might just take it a little too far.

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Too Soon? Gordon declares war on Noynoy

Call it a preemptive strike, or some sort of premature ejaculation, but the Indolent Indio received a press release from Bagumbayan Senator Richard Gordon pretty much telling Liberal Senator Benigno Aquino III to STFU.

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GMANews.TV Doesn’t Know Cocks

We generally prefer GMANews.tv to Inquirer.net because there are fewer typographical and grammar errors (and ads.) Sometimes, though, they put up articles that leave us scratching our heads.

Consider this gem, for example:

Also in December, the Department of Health’s Web site was hacked to show DOH Secretary Francisco Duque III blowing on “penises.”

Now, we get that saying that a member of the cabinet sucks cocks is probably libelous. The paragraph asks more questions than it answers, though. Most nagging of which are: What was he blowing on? Were they penises? Or just things that looked like penises? Were they hotdogs? I mean, that’s a pretty easy call to make, GMANews.tv.

You don't need to be a doctor to know your penises...

(Thx, Gibo Teodoro!)

New Year’s Resolutions For Every Filipino

1. Huwag maging pikon.

2. Henceforth, all LOLCats are just cats with bad grammar. They lost their LOLs, and will not have any pie.

3. No politician can instantly save us from poverty. We’re voting for a president, not Jesus. At any rate, he’d be disqualified as a nuisance candidate. I will act accordingly.

4. I will not vote for Manny Villar.

5. I will not reply to criticism against my presidential candidate/matinee idol/anyone with “bias ka kasi! (you are a bias, that’s why!)” I will not resort to ad hominem attacks just to show I am ‘not a bias.’

6. I will keep in mind that the success of one Filipino is not the success of the nation.

7. On the other hand, the nation’s failure makes me a failure too.

8. Not all drinking sprees have to end in violence.

9. I will accept that wearing the map of the Philippines on my shirt doesn’t make me nationalistic. Knowing the map, maybe.

10. I will vote for Indolent Indio in the 2010 Blog Awards.

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What are your New Year’s resolutions?

4 Pinoy Christmas traditions (that have to go)

Noche Buena, midnight masses, drunken fathers hurling invectives at scared children. Nobody does Christmas quite like Filipinos. We’ve elevated the annual celebration of Christ’s birth into an art form. There are, however, some things that Christmas 2010 could do without. They bring nothing to the table, after all, and all too often take something away.

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QC mayoral race turns nasty

Welcome to the Nasty North.

Although it’s the city of the future, Quezon City proves that it is still in touch with its roots as it kicks off the festive election season with the traditional black propaganda campaign.

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