Blind Items: Bugtong 2.0

There are few things that can titillate the Filipino quite like gossip. And when it’s gossip couched in a puzzle, well, you have the makings of one of the finest forms of Filipino pop literature: the blind item.

Equal parts bugtong, Katipunan-era codenames, current events and Tito, Vic and Joey (in unequal parts since Tito is not quite as funny,) blind items take subtle digs at politicians and public figures in the closest thing that we have to satire.

The format is pretty standard. It starts off with a litany of sins or blunders committed by the public figure. Source attribution is lax, with stories generally relying on reports “ayon sa ating bubwit (according to our mole.*)”

In this picture: bubwit

serious journalists

The meat of the blind item is in the reveal, where the identity of the target is hinted at through clever clues and wordplay.

Consider this gem that is, bar none, the best blind item ever according to our bubwits. The body of the article is about a senator who allegedly was a bit too touchy-feely with a female reporter, and the reveal:

Clue: Maliban sa pagi­ging political butterfly, ka­sing-tulis din ng paru-paro ang matandang senador dahil maraming ‘bulaklak ang sinimsim’, mula sa dating propesyon hanggang sa kauri nito.

Ito’y napakahilig sa mestisahin at merong letrang ‘A’, sa kabuuan ng surname, as in Ang hirap ng buhay habang taga-broadsheet ang lady reporter.–Spy on the Job

First one to guess correctly wins an Internet.

—

*strictly speaking , a bubwit is a baby mouse and is properly called a pup. But that wouldn’t have conveyed the same meaning.

Mi Ultimo Adios in LOLcat, poor taste

Found on the Internet:

Someone actually made a LOLCat translation (I guess) of Gat. Jose Rizal’s “Mi Ultimo Adios.”
It is, ultimately, indistinguishable from the original, which is fine, because you never really read the original anyway.
Credit (and enmity of Filipino Departments everywhere) go to a certain M. Sereno
—

Kthxbai cheezburger,
U srsly yummeh cheezburger,
Mai shiniez I gif u, tho it no can has teh cheez
N even if it had moar of teh cheez
I wud gif u all dat cheez.

OMG FAYT!
N teh kittehs also gif u der shiniez.
Whar kittehs? Dun carez:
Scratchy place, roll-around place,
Dey r all place for gif teh shiniez.

I go bai nao, omg hi2u sun
N omg bai2u dark,
N omg if u need moar colorsz
I gif u red splashies,
U can has it.

Wen I wuz itty bitty kitteh
N again wen I wuz haf biggr kitteh
I c u in sleepytime, cheezburger,
Yummeh cheezburger,
Full of shiniez and kitteh drugz.

Mai shiniez it can has
For teh win! I sez bai to u cheezburger,
For teh win! I sez bai nao for moar cheez
For u n moar cheezburger yummehz
N for mai wunnerful cheez sodat I can has too.

Wun day if u can seez mai kthxbai place
N windses! N flowersz!
Can has kissumz plz? I can has no can see,
But I can has kissumz!
N cheez!

Shiniez plz moon,
Shiniez plz dawn,
Blow plz windses,
I wants teh birdsies! In mai base
Singings teh songses.

Moar hot plz sun,
Rain plz to cum bak to sky?
N kittehs plz to cwy?
N wen timez wifout noise u pray, cheezburger,
Plz ask Ceiling Cat to gif mi cheez.

Plz ask Ceiling Cat for kittehs hu r ded,
N srsly ded, n omgwtf ded,
N for mommeh kittehs hu cwy,
N kittehs wifout mommehs,
N for cheezburger, dat u can has moar cheez.

N wen kthxbai place iz dark,
Wen ded r loneleh buh not rly,
Dun distewb! Ssshhhh kitteh!
If u hears moozeek
Iz jus mi maekin moozeek for u, cheezburger.

N when kthxbai place u forgots,
Even rockz forgots, no remembers,
Scratch wif big claws, maek messiez
So dat mai kittehdust dun go ‘way
N pwns teh burger on youz.

Den dun carez if I iz forgots,
I pwns ur sky! I r in ur base!
I be moozeek
N shiniez, n cheez,
N meni meows of mai feelingz. U no can see?

Mai cheezburger, hu I wants moar dan moar,
U can has ears plz, kthxbai — I go ‘way
From other kittehs, mommeh and daddeh kittehs, sexeh kittehs,
I go whar can has no doorz on fridgsesz, no lids on foodz,
Wer der is cheez. N moar cheez.

Kthxbai, litter kittehs, kittehs for teh win,
LOL kittehs, WTF kittehs,
Kthx, nao I sleepiez,
Kthxbai kitteh i dun kno, kthxbai shineh kitteh,
Kthxbai all my base. I r ded, I has moar cheez.

Invasion!

The Koreans were a red-herring all along.

For months, we have suspected a secret invation from these kimchi-eating, Jesus-peddling aliens (OneT can charge me with xenophobia later, but I am an avid Edgardo Reyes kuko sa liwanag girl). Their numbers didn’t wane even in the face of our Pinoy muggers (our muggers can mug on an Olympic level. As long as no one drug-tests) and our top-brand, class-A urban pollution. They stayed for our mangoes and our collegiate-level English tutors (who, in turn, milked those cow-tits with expert hands). But now the real beast reveals itself.

GMA welcomes our new Skrull overlords

GMA, McCain, Kim Jong-il, and Dr Doom welcome our new Skrull overlords. Ah, then the Koreans are part of the conspiracy. At least, the North is.

This is not surprising and hardly unprecedented. What’s another colonizer, hey? As a matter of fact, what’s another charter change?

-PreMadonna does not believe in spoiler warnings

Iron Man Visits The UP Campus

Invincible Iron Man #4:

Tony Stark visits the headquarters of the Triumph Division, a Philippine superhero team that died in Invincible Iron Man #2.

Real World:

That’s the Church of the Holy Sacrifice in UP Diliman. It was designed by Leandro Locsin, Napoleon Abueva, Victor Manansala, Ang Kiukok and Arturo Luz. They were like the Avengers, except their superpowers were in art and architecture.

–OneTamad