Liberal Party takes self too seriously

The Liberal Party recently revealed its secret weapon in the fight against corruption, an acronym that cleverly serves as a way to (somehow) make it easier for voters to remember the LP candidates for senator.

The acronym, which the Inquirer says could be a “political masterstroke” (somehow) is SLAMAT LORRD, which sort of translates into Thank you, Lord if you’re as liberal with your spelling and pronunciation as you are with your economic ideology.

“That’s not just ‘salamat (thank you), Lord.’ It’s ‘salamat Lorrrd,” Senator Francis Pangilinan, LP spokesman, patiently explains to anyone who (somehow) doesn’t quite get it.

I see what you did there.

The acronym, Pangilinan says, came up during “a recent brainstorming session,” in between, I guess, discussions about poverty alleviation and public policy.

“We thought it up,” he tells reporters before exchanging knowing winks and high fives with party mates.

Oh, God…

Alfonso Castañeda,NV: SUV country

Highest SUV per capita in RP

Alfonso Castañeda may just be a fourth-class municipality of Nueva Vizcaya province, but its officials ride around in first class.

The municipal government may soon find itself under investigation by the Office of the Ombudsman for buying 18 sports utility vehicles worth 24 million pesos including two Toyota Fortuners, the SUV for douchebags.

The purchases, not yet approved by the Nueva Vizcaya Provincial Board, have raised eyebrows in the mountainous province.

“The purchase is already in itself highly questionable because we do not believe that spending P24 million for SUVs is a priority,” a member of the Provincial Board said.

Nueva Vizcaya vice governor Jose Gambito asked the board not to make mountains of molehills, though. He said that while town officials are using the SUVs, “there is yet no indication that [Alfonso Castañeda officials] have already paid for the vehicles.”

So, basically, Alfonso Castañeda’s local politicians could be riding around in stolen property. That’s alright, then.

Go Philippines!: World’s Biggest Mango

Ang Pambansang Mango

It seems Team Philippines is in for a good year. The Guinness Book of World Records has certified a 3.5-kilogram mango from Iligan City as the world’s largest, beating a 2.4-kilo one from Canada.

Said mango will be honored in separate resolutions at the House of Representatives and the Senate for proving that the Filipino can. Grow enormous mangoes, in this case.

Feelers from political parties have already sent overtures for endorsement deals, but growers Sergio and Maria Socorro Bodiongan are keeping their options open.

While the ripe mango’s yellow color would make it a shoo-in to join the Liberal Party, the mango may opt to side with the Nacionalista Party for its affiliation with peasant groups. On the other hand, it is currently green, the color of Lakas-Kampi chairman Gilbert Teodoro Jr.

Growers from Canada and other countries where mangoes are grown have hinted at the use of performance-enhancing fertilizers, but the Socorros denied this.

“They are just jealous and want to keep the Filipino down,” they reportedly said.

Gramps Keeps it Gangsta

Remember that grade school retort “wala yan sa lolo ko? (roughly: my grandfather is even more badass than that)” that nobody ever really used except ironically?

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It’s all political

So, apparently, a senate report censuring Sen. Manuel Villar Jr over the C-5 Road Extension project is ‘political’, and the non-political, non-partisan solution is to organize a coup to unseat Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile, who also chairs the Committee of the Whole probing the issue?

nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura?

Sen. Villar

Here’s a news flash for you, senator: it’s all political. You’re a politician, for God’s sake. That goes for all of you guys. Cry me a goddamned river.

When online electioneering goes too far

With the billions that he’s putting into his presidential campaign, Senator Manuel Bamba Villar Jr. might as well buy the entire Internet. He’s on Google AdSense, he’s on Twitter, he’s even on facebook, suggesting that you become his fan or friend or both.

He’s everywhere now, and he might just take it a little too far.

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Too Soon? Gordon declares war on Noynoy

Call it a preemptive strike, or some sort of premature ejaculation, but the Indolent Indio received a press release from Bagumbayan Senator Richard Gordon pretty much telling Liberal Senator Benigno Aquino III to STFU.

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GMANews.TV Doesn’t Know Cocks

We generally prefer to because there are fewer typographical and grammar errors (and ads.) Sometimes, though, they put up articles that leave us scratching our heads.

Consider this gem, for example:

Also in December, the Department of Health’s Web site was hacked to show DOH Secretary Francisco Duque III blowing on “penises.”

Now, we get that saying that a member of the cabinet sucks cocks is probably libelous. The paragraph asks more questions than it answers, though. Most nagging of which are: What was he blowing on? Were they penises? Or just things that looked like penises? Were they hotdogs? I mean, that’s a pretty easy call to make,

You don't need to be a doctor to know your penises...

(Thx, Gibo Teodoro!)

The State of RP Agriculture

There are four things wrong with this image from the Department of Agriculture:

1. Nobody uses 2-liner analog cellphones any more.

2. Rotary phones no longer work.

3. There is no excuse for using animated .gifs any more.

4. That doesn’t even make sense.

Somewhere, a vengeful hog is plotting the destruction of our very way of life.