Attention: Winston smokers

You are about to quit cold turkey.

A reliable source (of cigarettes, at any rate,) told us that the packs of Winston cigarettes you see being sold now are the last packs on the market.

Our source  said that it has something to do with taxes and licensing. Not being savvy on the supply side of cigarettes, she did not bother to elaborate. But the bottom line is, Winston distributors have ceased doing so, causing them to vanish in a puff of smoke and existential angst.

As any serious smoker will tell you, the brand you smoke is like your first love. Chemically hard-wired into your brain, and losing it will pretty much fuck you up.

You can go on living, sure, but you’re left with two basic options: you can try to be nonchalant about it and find a replacement, or you can embrace your loss and eventually end up the sort of person who bores people with stories about what you cooked for the lunch that you eat alone (and is also probably fat.)

Either option involves long hours of crippling melancholy, and sudden breakdowns over the realization that the universe is an absurd and uncaring place. It’s the same with not being able to smoke your brand, except you have the bonus of cottonmouth and the  overwhelming desire to kill.

Fortune Tobacco is planning to replace Winstons with the repackaged Fortune brand. Beloved by farmers and construction workers (and leftists, by extension) for its cheapness, but generally hated for tasting like crap, the new Fortunes are no different, except for the bit about being cheap. Which is, to stretch a metaphor, like replacing your lost love with a cheap druggy slut who dresses well. Except without the sex.


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