This is a declaration of war against you, Stepmother Spain. And you, Uncle-who-touches-me-funny UK. If you are at all familiar with playground politics, you know damn well a person can only take so much name-calling before they fight back.

You remember these, don’t you?

These small, deliciously brown chocolate cookies that share our name. These are churned out regularly by UK-based United Biscuit Company, and are arguably the most popular cookies in Spain. There is even a variation that comes with white-chocolate filling, forever tormenting our scholars with possible intertextual cultural/racial jibe. We’re not quite sure yet. But delicious as it may be, we resent being likened to any sweet, delicate confection.

You shall feminize our race no more. And to show you we are very serious, behold–

the length and breadth of that misery-paved boulevard, Espanya. Causing thousands of artery-blocking stress to motorists daily. Crowded on both sides with derelict homes and unsavory types because we don’t truck with things like subtlety where we come from.

You watch your back too, UK. You’re this close to becoming synonymous to ‘stylish castoffs.’

–PreMadonna