Five Monsters From Shake, Rattle & Roll (That Were Just Retarded)

Since 1984, the movie franchise Shake, Rattle & Roll has tried to scare us out of our wits. Or, at least do something to get us out of our wits enough to be scared, I guess. Or, failing that, try to make us feel good for going to the movie theater to watch them. And you know what? They failed at all of those.

With the latest iteration out in 2007, Shake, Rattle & Roll has consistently failed to come up with anything scarier than the prospect of being groped in the dark by that mustachioed man beside you.


Clown-Possessed TV

(“Telebisyon”, Shake, Rattle & Roll VI, 1997)

"Coming to getcha!"

The premise: Camille Prats plays a girl who is neglected by her parents because they fight all the time. Being a child of unlimited creativity and an insatiable curiosity, she finds solace in watching TV.

A clown, for some reason, appears on screen and invites her to his world, which is probably filled with fun things like too-large shoes and too-small cars. When she refuses, the clown comes out of the screen and drags her into the TV.

How Scary Was It?

Well, alright,some people are afraid of clowns. So, I guess a story about a demon clown that comes out of the TV does appeal to a certain demographic. But, see, it’s cheating because people would be scared anyway. If it had been a killer praying mantis, say, I’d have screamed my head off. But not because of the plot or whatever, just on basic principle.

After Jaws came out 1975, people were too afraid to go the beach for a while. We have an entire generation of kids who can’t live without TV, so I guess, in terms of scariness, the movie was an epic fail.

On the other hand, our clown from TV-land fucked Camille up enough for her to think it was a good idea to take off her clothes for the camera a few years later, so maybe they had something there…

Killer Refrigerator

(“Pridyider”, Shake, Rattle & Roll, 1984)

The Premise: This episode raised the bar for Filipino horror. Admittedly, not by much, but until Shake, Rattle and Roll came out, the nation had nothing to fear except a midnight visit from the MetroCom.

Janice de Belen and Charito Solis move into their new home and inherit an old refrigerator, presumably from the former resident. Horror of horrors, however, the refrigerator turns out to be possessed or whatever. It eats anyone who opens the door!   It eventually eats the entire family up! Disbelief is suspended! Just like habeas corpus!

How Scary Was It?

"I'm coming to getcha!"

According to the Wikipedia entry on the movie, after it came out, there was “a rash of fear from everyone of going near an old style fridge.” This, I guess, explains why it took us twenty years to finally get rid of Ferdinand Marcos.

I mean, come on, Charito Solis and Janice de Belen! It’s a fridge for God’s sake. It doesn’t even have arms or legs or teeth or life!

It’s embarrassing that the generation before us had nightmares about an evil kitchen appliance that could be defeated by the simple expedient of, say, not going near it.

Killer Aquarium

(“Aquarium”, Shake, Rattle and Roll 2K5, 2005)

"blub, blub, gurgle getcha!"

The premise: Eager to cash in on an old but successful formula, Shake, Rattle and Roll 2K5 features Ogie Alcasid and Ara Mina as part of a family that moves into ia new home and inherits an old aquarium, again, presumably from the previous owner. Lo and behold, the aquarium has evil in its dark, non-existent heart. It somehow has the power to drown people who come near it, defying common sense, and all laws of physics.

How Scary Was It?

Well, I guess, some fish have teeth and eat meat and could, if they really tried, eat you up if you were chopped to pieces first and they had a couple of days. But that’s neither here nor there. The poor guys drowned.

Alright, some people have a fear of drowning, but that’s usually because the water is pretty deep and they’re in it.

 

 

Killer Water Pump

(Poso, Shake, Rattle And Roll 2K5, 2005)

The Original Plans Did Not Include Evil Spirits

Evil spirits not part of the original design

The Premise: Ai Ai delas Alas cons people by claiming to be able to talk to the dead. Gloria Romero, playing everybody’s favorite lola, hires her to talk to some dead relative. Her team of swindlers goes to Romero’s house to commune with the spirits. After which, of course, in the tradition of people get killed by the dumbest inexplicably-malovelent inanimate objects, she finds the old-school hand pump dripping with blood.

How Scary Was It?

Granted, the fact that it’s 2008 and there are still 1,400 barangays in the country without potable water is scary. But it’s  scary because of typhoid fever and cholera, not because hand pumps can suck you in and eat you. You know what’s even scarier? The fact that the bigwigs in  Philippine cinema basically did the same story twice in one movie. That, and that they also made a movie about a killer christmas tree (“Christmas Tree”, Shake, Rattle and Roll 9, 2007) two years later.

Undin

(“Nanay”, Shake,Rattle & Roll III, 1991)

This is why you should flush after every use, BY ORDER: MGT

This is why you should flush after every use, BY ORDER: MGT

The Premise: Manilyn Reynes and friends go on a field trip to the beach, and end up taking home this weird, gelatinous bunch of sea creature eggs. They turn out to be the eggs of the Undin, a creature that is all sorts of ugly.

The Undin travels to the city to avenge her children, climbing out of toilet bowls and such to kill the scum (ie Joey Marquez) who took her eggs, proving that even monsters have a maternal instinct aside from the standard killer instinct.

How Scary Was It?

Pretty scary, as these movies go. It isn’t hard to imagine that people were scared to go to the toilet for weeks after seeing the movie. Sure, people are generally scared to go to the toilet since Filipinos seem to hate to flush after each use, but the thought of an Undin hiding under the crap and cigarette butts and used condoms must have added an extra fear factor to public toilets for a while.

Here’s the rub, though. Only around 11% of Metro Manila is connected to a sewer system, and it’s practically nonexistent in the provinces. There were no pipes and sewer lines for the Undin to swim through.

So, to get from the beach to wherever Reynes and Marquez came from took a lot of walking. Which suggests that the Undin travelled all the way just to lie in wait in the toilet bowl because she liked it, not out of some tactical plan to catch Joey Marquez with his pants down. I mean, that would have been easy enough to do as Kris Aquino and Alma Moreno eventually learned. Still and all, the fact that the Undin could actually move puts her at Number One.

38 Comments

  1. haha, i remember the last one with marilyn reyes. the creature is called siokoy, if i remember correctly; and i think she eventually befriends the thing and lets it free.

    i think i was a shake, rattle and roll watcher back when cable didn’t exist yet. it gave me the momentary suspense, but no fear that lasted more than a minute.

    what scared me, i remember was a pinoy movie around the 90s. It came around the same time Mariah Carey’s “Hero” became a hit. it involves someone pulling a knife under the bed and killing the person he/she is with. I vividly remember the scene where the camera only showed the shadow and blood splattering all over.

    I’d be glad if anyone knows what movie im talking about.

  2. I’m deathly scared of clowns, thanks to It, but the scariest SRR story for me is the one called Yaya. It stars Kris Aquino and this creepy old lady who always turns out to be some sort of non-human. Although Kris’ acting is non-existent, this line haunts me to this day:

    Yaya (hired by Kris to take care of her baby): Hindi mo kailangan ng yaya. May nagbabantay na sa baby mo *tententen!*

    “It eventually eats the entire family up! Disbelief is suspended! Just like habeas corpus!” I love this. Genius.

    And that undin brings fond memories. I used to call a classmate of mine an undin, nyahaha.

  3. What is up with people being afraid of clowns? Is that an indie/artsy cred thing? They’re supposed to be funny. They exist to amuse you, you know? Funny like a clown.

    Yaya does sound kind of campy-scary. I mean, if Kris is there, it’s bound to be. Kris put the camp in, uh, scamp.

  4. artsy cred?! hahaha. no, I just hate clowns so much. they … suck. and I watched the movie version of stephen king’s IT, which is all about a killer clown. I was 8, I think. plus they’re all butt ugly (especially the boyoyongs). the perpetually painted smile seriously scares the shit out of me.

    “funny like a clown” –> i might be overthinking this, but are you quoting goodfellas? if you are then i love you and you are my newest best friend

  5. I’ll never forget the Undin! It’s kinda funny (and stupid) now, but I was one of those poor kids who, after seeing the movie, was left ‘traumatized’ and unable to use the toilet for fear that the creature might grab me.

    Nice post, btw.

  6. Thanks, copykat

    I hope it will comfort you to know that I was afraid to use the toilet at my grandparents’ house, too, when I was a kid. True, the movie had nothing to do with it,but there you go.

    I hope you drop by again.

  7. the episode “aswang” was pretty scary as i remember it. The one when Manilyn Reynes went to Ana Roces’ home town to attend a fiesta, but turns out the whole town are aswangs and that Reynes was the “offering” for that year. I cant believe you didn’t include this episode!

  8. Loving this entry. Reminds me a lot of cracked.com’s style.

    I used to be scared shitless at those stupid Shake Rattle & Roll films. Also, my yaya made sure I was having nightmares about that clown as I go to bed. That left me with deep psychological scars. Yeah, creeped out over a lame clown. I win at life!

  9. @ade

    Thanks for dropping by. 🙂

    You know, yayas are a force of nature. If I had a peso for all the lies my yaya told me, I’d be a very rich man.

    She even told me that those animals with long necks are called “jee-ra-pees.” Imagine how popular that made me in grade school.

  10. hey!!! i think SRR sequel is good when MS. MANILYN REYNES was there to be honest with you!!! i didn\’t watched this phenomenon movies without her!!! nanay na ata ung eyes ko kay ate MANE pag my shake!!! for me she\’s my true \"HORROR QUEEN\" i hope this coming sequel for shake!!! mane will be included in the cast!!! if not sorry guys!!! boycot muna ako!!!

  11. I was shit-scared of that old lady with the long white hair and the white duster they keep using not just in Shake, Ratlle and Roll but other Filipino horror movies as well. I think buhay pa siya at ginagamit pa rin sa ibang Pinoy films. eeek

  12. NAPANOON KO SA SRR5 SA IMPAKTO YUNG VAMPIRE-MONSTER NA NAKASUOT NG PULA T-SHIRT. SOBRE NAKAKATAKOT TALAGA YUNG VAMPIRE-MONSTER NAKASUOT NG PULA T-SHIRT SA SRR5, PATI YUNG PANIL,SOBRA NAKAKATAKOY!

  13. Some families I know tend to come out of the movie theatre with varied take-away expressions. Half the family actually get somewhat scared (if only so that the money spent wouldn’t be considered wasted), while the other half is smiling like they’ve just come out of a comedy screening. Whether they find funny the movie’s absurdity or their other family members’ genuine fright is debatable.

  14. Yey, Undin! Icon na talaga si Undin at ginagamit na rin na paksa sa pang-araw-araw na buhay. Aw. Teka! Bakit wala yung isa pa kay Manilyn Reynes, yung cannibal yung mga tao sa village?

  15. ang tanga ng sumulat nito for 2 reasons:

    1. ang hindi nakakatakot sa isang tao ay nakakatakot sa iba. juse because you weren’t scared doesnt mean it didn’t scare someone else. When i was a kid i was genuinely scared of the undin. who are you to tell me that it wasn’t scary?

    2. the undin didn’t walk to the house. it hitched itself to their car/jeep. that’s how it got to the house. check your facts.

  16. Hi, Alan

    1. I’m nobody to tell you that the undin wasn’t scary. In fact, I didn’t to that at all. Here is what I said:

    “Pretty scary, as these movies go. It isn’t hard to imagine that people were scared to go to the toilet for weeks after seeing the movie. ”

    Also, I am afraid of praying mantises. They are probably not scary to other people, but they are to me. Had there been a killer praying mantis in the “Shake, Rattle and Roll” series, I would have put them in too. Just so things are fair.

    2. I…Okay. I’ll check my facts…

    What was the undin doing in the toilet, then? That makes even less sense than before.

  17. 1. that’s not the general gist of your article. you started out by saying how retarded these monsters are in the shake rattle and roll series. that was a deliberate dig in your part to say that these monsters are not valid monsters, and even proposing they are ridiculous. you even tried to single out the statistic that 11% of manila didn’t have a sewer system, and that a sewer system was virtually nonexistent in the province – your subtle point being that, since this monster that travels through the sewer system doesnt have a factual sewer system to travel in, therefore it’s laughably inaccurate; ergo, since it’s factually inaccurate, the horror it creates in people is unreasonable and untenable in your perspective. therefore, it;s retarded and shouldn’t be scary. you were trying to invalidate how people felt about a fictional movie on the basis of a true-to-life statistic. truth be told, what scares people is usually something unreasonable, something illogical, something mysterious. using logic to shoot down something scary (which is what you did) is not convincing.

    again, as i said, what scares one person may not scary some other. you can’t just call something retarded, just because you don’t understand the mythos. your attempt to demystify this undin character to me seems a very boring approach. i actually find it fascinating that a seemingly illogical monster could inspire such a reaction from filipinos regarding toilets. something deep was touched. fear was created. and your reaction to it was to dismiss it as retarded? hello.

    2. the undin, as a sea creature, likes to swim in water. if you were an undin and you hunted someone down into his house, into an out-of-water environment, what part of a house would you think you’d use to maximize your decreased advantage? yes, a toilet and its sewage system, because it could possibly allow you to travel in the house without being seen. now, is that so retarded? you didn’t even put yourself in the undin’s shoes. now was that so hard to understand?

  18. You know what’s retarded?

    “Yes, a toilet and its sewage system, because it could possibly allow you to travel in the house without being seen. Now, is that so retarded? You didn’t even put yourself in the undin’s shoes.”

    I’m sorry. The suspension of my disbelief does not, cannot go that far.

  19. Sorry, onetamad, but the man’s got a point. Not only did you botch up your facts (or did you? too bad we’re too indolent to fact check), you totally failed to empathise with the undin.

    Now put yourself in the refrigerator’s shoes.

    @alan
    He did admit the undin was scary. Compared to, say, the aquarium or the pump. Which are still retarded.

  20. onetamad,

    1. so your answer to our disagreement is to just chalk it all up to one fact: You don’t have a sufficiently rarified imagination to believe in the undin. I do. But if that is the case, should you be writing about a field in which your imagination is not up to par? You’re like a non-math layperson talking about quantum physics and topology. maybe you should stick to writing about stuff you actually understand.

    2. To be completely comprehensive about this, I’m not just talking about your lack of imagination and suspension of disbelief. You also failed to reason out things rigorously. The undin’s choice of toilet as a point of attack makes complete sense:

    a. he’s a sea creature. where would he feel most comfortable to attack? surely, somewhere with water: toilet. Also, if you were an intruder, like the undin, what part of a house would you naturally gravitate to? Surely, the room with the least number of people together. Surely, the room in which it can lie in wait silently and bide its time and maybe attack one person at a time: toilet. When i proposed the sewer system as a way of travel for the undin, I may have pushed the envelope. But is it retarded? No. I just have imagination.

    b. the toilet, in my opinion, holds a very important significance for the human psyche. it is, after all, where we take a dump or urinate. It’s a very private place, in other words. One where we keep our secrets. Just the fact that the undin attacks us in this very private of places, attacks us at our most vulnerable, speaks volumes about why the filipinos who watched the film were scared of using toilets for weeks. A monster that attacks us at our most vulnerable? This is not retarded. This is horrifying. This is brilliant psychological crugsetting by the writer who wrote this.

    onetamad, you’re obviously an educated person, no question about that. you write, after all, with impeccable grammar. That is not what is at issue. i just hope that, when you don’t understand something, you do some research or soul-searching first. Don’t immediately label it as retarded. Think first.

  21. onetamad,

    1. so your answer to our disagreement is to just chalk it all up to one fact: You don\’t have a sufficiently rarified imagination to believe in the undin. I do. But if that is the case, should you be writing about a field in which your imagination is not up to par? You\’re like a non-math layperson talking about quantum physics and topology. maybe you should stick to writing about stuff you actually understand.

    2. To be completely comprehensive about this, I\’m not just talking about your lack of imagination and suspension of disbelief. You also failed to reason out things rigorously. The undin\’s choice of toilet as a point of attack makes complete sense:

    a. he\’s a sea creature. where would he feel most comfortable to attack? surely, somewhere with water: toilet. Also, if you were an intruder, like the undin, what part of a house would you naturally gravitate to? Surely, the room with the least number of people together. Surely, the room in which it can lie in wait silently and bide its time and maybe attack one person at a time: toilet. When i proposed the sewer system as a way of travel for the undin, I may have pushed the envelope. But is it retarded? No. I just have imagination.

    b. the toilet, in my opinion, holds a very important significance for the human psyche. it is, after all, where we take a dump or urinate. It\’s a very private place, in other words. One where we keep our secrets. Just the fact that the undin attacks us in this very private of places, attacks us at our most vulnerable, speaks volumes about why the filipinos who watched the film were scared of using toilets for weeks. A monster that attacks us at our most vulnerable? This is not retarded. This is horrifying. This is brilliant psychological crugsetting by the writer who wrote this.

    onetamad, you\’re obviously an educated person, no question about that. you write, after all, with impeccable grammar. That is not what is at issue. i just hope that, when you don\’t understand something, you do some research or soul-searching first. Don\’t immediately label it as retarded. Think first.

  22. I dunno about the Undin, but growing up in the province, I once had a bayawak (monitor lizard, over a meter in length) crawl out of the toilet. What lasting psychological scars I’m still carrying around from THAT, I don’t even want to know.

  23. The comment thread here is almost as funny as the article itself.

    Alan is a member of your staff, right?

    Right?

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  25. Si Undin pumasok sa empty jug kaya sya nakarating sa dorm. At nd sya nagpalipat-lipat ng bahay. Sa dorm lang na yun sya dahil andon ung pakay nya which r her eggs. So, may possibilty na magagawa nyang magpalipat lipat from one toilet bowl to another. 🙂 nice article though. WATIWAT was my favofite then. That monster cares about the nature- nah, many of SRR monters are.

  26. Pumasok si Undin sa empty jug na dala ng grupo kaya sya napasama sa dorm. Nd din sya nagpalipat lipat ng bahay- toilet bowls lang- since nandon lang namn ung pakay nya which are her eggs. Scary it was- pangit lang talaga ung pagkakagawa kay Undin :P. WATIWAT (Aiza) was my favorite back then.

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