Since 1984, the movie franchise Shake, Rattle & Roll has tried to scare us out of our wits. Or, at least do something to get us out of our wits enough to be scared, I guess. Or, failing that, try to make us feel good for going to the movie theater to watch them. And you know what? They failed at all of those.

With the latest iteration out in 2007, Shake, Rattle & Roll has consistently failed to come up with anything scarier than the prospect of being groped in the dark by that mustachioed man beside you.

Clown-Possessed TV (“Telebisyon”, Shake, Rattle & Roll VI, 1997)

"Coming to getcha!"

The premise: Camille Prats plays a girl who is neglected by her parents because they fight all the time. Being a child of unlimited creativity and an insatiable curiosity, she finds solace in watching TV.

A clown, for some reason, appears on screen and invites her to his world, which is probably filled with fun things like too-large shoes and too-small cars. When she refuses, the clown comes out of the screen and drags her into the TV.

How Scary Was It?

Well, alright,some people are afraid of clowns. So, I guess a story about a demon clown that comes out of the TV does appeal to a certain demographic. But, see, it’s cheating because people would be scared anyway. If it had been a killer praying mantis, say, I’d have screamed my head off. But not because of the plot or whatever, just on basic principle.

After Jaws came out 1975, people were too afraid to go the beach for a while. We have an entire generation of kids who can’t live without TV, so I guess, in terms of scariness, the movie was an epic fail.

On the other hand, our clown from TV-land fucked Camille up enough for her to think it was a good idea to take off her clothes for the camera a few years later, so maybe they had something there…

Killer Refrigerator (“Pridyider”, Shake, Rattle & Roll, 1984)

The Premise: This episode raised the bar for Filipino horror. Admittedly, not by much, but until Shake, Rattle and Roll came out, the nation had nothing to fear except a midnight visit from the MetroCom.

Janice de Belen and Charito Solis move into their new home and inherit an old refrigerator, presumably from the former resident. Horror of horrors, however, the refrigerator turns out to be possessed or whatever. It eats anyone who opens the door!   It eventually eats the entire family up! Disbelief is suspended! Just like habeas corpus!

How Scary Was It?

"I'm coming to getcha!"

According to the Wikipedia entry on the movie, after it came out, there was “a rash of fear from everyone of going near an old style fridge.” This, I guess, explains why it took us twenty years to finally get rid of Ferdinand Marcos.

I mean, come on, Charito Solis and Janice de Belen! It’s a fridge for God’s sake. It doesn’t even have arms or legs or teeth or life!

It’s embarrassing that the generation before us had nightmares about an evil kitchen appliance that could be defeated by the simple expedient of, say, not going near it.

Killer Aquarium (“Aquarium”, Shake, Rattle and Roll 2K5, 2005)

"blub, blub, gurgle getcha!"

The premise: Eager to cash in on an old but successful formula, Shake, Rattle and Roll 2K5 features Ogie Alcasid and Ara Mina as part of a family that moves into ia new home and inherits an old aquarium, again, presumably from the previous owner. Lo and behold, the aquarium has evil in its dark, non-existent heart. It somehow has the power to drown people who come near it, defying common sense, and all laws of physics.

How Scary Was It?

Well, I guess, some fish have teeth and eat meat and could, if they really tried, eat you up if you were chopped to pieces first and they had a couple of days. But that’s neither here nor there. The poor guys drowned.

Alright, some people have a fear of drowning, but that’s usually because the water is pretty deep and they’re in it.

Killer Water Pump (Poso, Shake, Rattle And Roll 2K5, 2005)

The Original Plans Did Not Include Evil Spirits

Evil spirits not part of the original design

The Premise: Ai Ai delas Alas cons people by claiming to be able to talk to the dead. Gloria Romero, playing everybody’s favorite lola, hires her to talk to some dead relative. Her team of swindlers goes to Romero’s house to commune with the spirits. After which, of course, in the tradition of people get killed by the dumbest inexplicably-malovelent inanimate objects, she finds the old-school hand pump dripping with blood.

How Scary Was It?

Granted, the fact that it’s 2008 and there are still 1,400 barangays in the country without potable water is scary. But it’s  scary because of typhoid fever and cholera, not because hand pumps can suck you in and eat you. You know what’s even scarier? The fact that the bigwigs in  Philippine cinema basically did the same story twice in one movie. That, and that they also made a movie about a killer christmas tree (“Christmas Tree”, Shake, Rattle and Roll 9, 2007) two years later.

Undin (“Nanay”, Shake,Rattle & Roll III, 1991)

This is why you should flush after every use, BY ORDER: MGT

This is why you should flush after every use, BY ORDER: MGT

The Premise: Manilyn Reynes and friends go on a field trip to the beach, and end up taking home this weird, gelatinous bunch of sea creature eggs. They turn out to be the eggs of the Undin, a creature that is all sorts of ugly.

The Undin travels to the city to avenge her children, climbing out of toilet bowls and such to kill the scum (ie Joey Marquez) who took her eggs, proving that even monsters have a maternal instinct aside from the standard killer instinct.

How Scary Was It?

Pretty scary, as these movies go. It isn’t hard to imagine that people were scared to go to the toilet for weeks after seeing the movie. Sure, people are generally scared to go to the toilet since Filipinos seem to hate to flush after each use, but the thought of an Undin hiding under the crap and cigarette butts and used condoms must have added an extra fear factor to public toilets for a while.

Here’s the rub, though. Only around 11% of Metro Manila is connected to a sewer system, and it’s practically nonexistent in the provinces. There were no pipes and sewer lines for the Undin to swim through.

So, to get from the beach to wherever Reynes and Marquez came from took a lot of walking. Which suggests that the Undin travelled all the way just to lie in wait in the toilet bowl because she liked it, not out of some tactical plan to catch Joey Marquez with his pants down. I mean, that would have been easy enough to do as Kris Aquino and Alma Moreno eventually learned. Still and all, the fact that the Undin could actually move puts her at Number One.

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