San Miguel Makes Coffee Perfect, Offends God

DrinkToPerfection

The Dutch say that coffee has two virtues: it is wet and warm. No doubt, they say it in that sing-song way of theirs, but this is true. True, coffee has pretty much gone the Belo route over the past decade with the whipped cream and hazelnut syrup and being served over ice. But that’s just, you know, artistic license. Under all that fluff, the coffee remained pretty much just coffee whether it was grown ethically or was pooped out by a civet.
San Miguel takes coffee to a whole new level with its Pro-Health coffee, though. As the company describes it, Pro-Health Coffee is “delicious, sugar-free, cholesterol-free, low in fat, low in calories, and absolutely aromatic…the coffee made perfect, San Mig Coffee Pro-Health.” In other words, it’s an abomination unto God.
San Mig Coffee Pro-Power has 10 mg of Gingko Biloba for virility and mental superiority. Pro-Beauty has 250 mg of collagen for tighter skin (and possibly fuller lips,) and Pro-Slim has 200 mg of that L-Carnitine that will supposedly save you the effort of actual exercise. Pro-Fiber on the other hand will help you poop regularly, which, I suppose is some sort of super power.
It’s better living through chemistry perverted to create a coffee so superior that it will not only keep you awake, but will also make you a better person. It’s a bit like MGH*  but with the value added of a caffeine high.Which, I guess,  you’ll need, as you spend your nights alone and fearful of human beings who will misunderstand and resent your increased intellect and supernatural beauty.

The Dutch say that coffee has two virtues: it is wet and warm. No doubt, they say it in that sing-song way of theirs, but this is true. True, coffee has pretty much gone the Belo route over the past decade with the whipped cream and hazelnut syrup and being served over ice. But that’s just, you know, artistic license. Under all that fluff, the coffee remained pretty much just coffee whether it was grown ethically or was pooped out by a civet.

San Miguel takes coffee to a whole new level with its Pro-Health coffee, though. As the company describes it, Pro-Health Coffee is “delicious, sugar-free, cholesterol-free, low in fat, low in calories, and absolutely aromatic…the coffee made perfect, San Mig Coffee Pro-Health.” In other words, it’s an abomination unto God.

San Mig Coffee Pro-Power has 10 mg of Gingko Biloba for virility and mental superiority. Pro-Beauty has 250 mg of collagen for tighter skin (and possibly fuller lips,) and Pro-Slim has 200 mg of that L-Carnitine that will supposedly save you the effort of actual exercise. Pro-Fiber on the other hand will help you poop regularly, which, I suppose is some sort of super power.

It’s better living through chemistry perverted to create a coffee so superior that it will not only keep you awake, but will also make you a better person. It’s a bit like MGH*  but with the value added of a caffeine high. Which, I guess,  you’ll need, as you spend your nights alone and fearful of human beings who will misunderstand and resent your increased intellect and supernatural beauty.

sentinel

L-CARNITINE DETECTED!

*Mutant Growth Hormone — Mutie Lovin’ OneTamad

12 Comments

  1. Just as long as it still has caffeine, mass amounts of it.

    Also, anyone have a large size template of this for Photoshoppery. I\’ve a few ideas I for lulz.

  2. I once had coffee like that. I shook so much that I could have pleasured ladies without (consciously) moving.

  3. JuanchoBombero :

    Before you know it, they’ll add L-carnitine in deodorants.

    I gotta say, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks!

    (Hey, important trivia for the l-carnitine crazy: 200mg of l-carnitine, a dose that is 20% of what may be considered efficacious…

    …does nothing!*

    Good luck fatties! Har har har!)

    *seriously

  4. But do they taste good? I once bought an 8-in-1 instant coffee mix with grape seed extract, ginseng and various other stuff I can’t remember. It tasted weird. Plus it gave me diarrhea. It might have been something else I injested but I’m not taking anymore chances.

  5. @katierhoda: coffee will start coming out of your pores, i tell you. San Mig Coffee seems to have taken a cue from its cousin, San Mig Strong Ice. Whapak!

  6. My day is never complete without 2 cups of san mig coffee (strong). I am tempted to add 1 more cup of my daily intake but hesitates, you know, this calories thing…. you said it is low in calorie, but how many, exactly.

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