Childhood remedies against A(H1N1)

Predictably, the Philippines has jumped on the A(H1N1) bandwagon with our own case zero, a 10-year-old balikbayan.

With most of our government’s anti-flu medicine either expired or close to their expiration dates, we will have to make do with cure-alls or school infirmaries have been using for years.

Alternatively, we could usher in what Indolent reader Paolo M. sees as the cure for Philippine poverty: zombies. Either way, really.

"sagot sa kahirapan! himag--ARGH!"

"sagot sa kahirapan! himag--ARGH!"


tempraTempra is substantial compliance in a bottle. School nurses have been using it for everything from fevers to body pain to amputated fingers.

Given that most school children who go to the infirmary are only doing so to avoid bothersome school activities (ie. math period, being the prayer leader,) Tempra is  incredibly effective. With just a teaspoonful, a student can skip class for a few minutes, and the school nurse will have earned her salary. Everybody wins!

Faced with H1N1, though, said school child will likely have wished that he stayed on as prayer leader. With some news reports claiming that the mutated form of the disease might be incurable, we’ll all need Jesus.


"I can save you. I can save everybody. "

"I can save you. I can save everybody. "

Biogesic is a staple, much like rice and corn, and is a major criterion in what makes a house a home. And rightfully so, since this miracle pill can turn your headache off in minutes.

Biogesic endorser John Lloyd Cruz also doubles as our metaphorical canary in the mineshaft that is the Swine Flu. Popping Biogesics before his flight and before shooting an ad with hundreds of other Biogesic users, which is to say, exposing himself to possible flu carriers, his death will be the first sign that the medicine has failed.

Either way, ingat.


ceelinWeeks before the Department of Health confirmed our very own index case, Ceelin came out with a radio ad straight out of the Cold War. Except instead of godless communists, the hysteria is directed against the A(H1N1) virus.

“First reported in Mexico. First detected in a child, etc.” the ad went before cheerfully marketing supercharged vitamin C Ceelin as the best way to keep your child’s resistance up against the flu.

Probably not, strictly speaking,  a lie, Ceelin virtually promises to render children impervious to the creepieststrain of influenza to date. Which, I guess, means that Unilab pwns the combined medical experts of the World Health Organization, America, Europe and Mexico.

Ceelin could be the country’s bargaining chip against the OPEC. Forget petroleum, diamonds, water and other tightly-controlled commodities, I have just one word for you, just one word: Ceelin.

Of course, none of this will matter in case of a zombie infestation. But that will probably be easily remedied by the country’s other standard panaceas: Vick’s Vapo-rub and Efficascent Oil.


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