Greenpeace anti-coal video says nothing at all

This Greenpeace video teaches us about the evils of coal-fired power plants by telling us nothing at all.

Listen, Greenpeace, we know that saving the Earth is important. But surely you can send that message without resorting to the environmentalist version of  “or face the wrath of God.”

I’m just saying.

Alfonso Castañeda,NV: SUV country

Highest SUV per capita in RP

Alfonso Castañeda may just be a fourth-class municipality of Nueva Vizcaya province, but its officials ride around in first class.

The municipal government may soon find itself under investigation by the Office of the Ombudsman for buying 18 sports utility vehicles worth 24 million pesos including two Toyota Fortuners, the SUV for douchebags.

The purchases, not yet approved by the Nueva Vizcaya Provincial Board, have raised eyebrows in the mountainous province.

“The purchase is already in itself highly questionable because we do not believe that spending P24 million for SUVs is a priority,” a member of the Provincial Board said.

Nueva Vizcaya vice governor Jose Gambito asked the board not to make mountains of molehills, though. He said that while town officials are using the SUVs, “there is yet no indication that [Alfonso Castañeda officials] have already paid for the vehicles.”

So, basically, Alfonso Castañeda’s local politicians could be riding around in stolen property. That’s alright, then.

Go Philippines!: World’s Biggest Mango

Ang Pambansang Mango

It seems Team Philippines is in for a good year. The Guinness Book of World Records has certified a 3.5-kilogram mango from Iligan City as the world’s largest, beating a 2.4-kilo one from Canada.

Said mango will be honored in separate resolutions at the House of Representatives and the Senate for proving that the Filipino can. Grow enormous mangoes, in this case.

Feelers from political parties have already sent overtures for endorsement deals, but growers Sergio and Maria Socorro Bodiongan are keeping their options open.

While the ripe mango’s yellow color would make it a shoo-in to join the Liberal Party, the mango may opt to side with the Nacionalista Party for its affiliation with peasant groups. On the other hand, it is currently green, the color of Lakas-Kampi chairman Gilbert Teodoro Jr.

Growers from Canada and other countries where mangoes are grown have hinted at the use of performance-enhancing fertilizers, but the Socorros denied this.

“They are just jealous and want to keep the Filipino down,” they reportedly said.

Too Soon? Gordon declares war on Noynoy

Call it a preemptive strike, or some sort of premature ejaculation, but the Indolent Indio received a press release from Bagumbayan Senator Richard Gordon pretty much telling Liberal Senator Benigno Aquino III to STFU.

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GMANews.TV Doesn’t Know Cocks

We generally prefer to because there are fewer typographical and grammar errors (and ads.) Sometimes, though, they put up articles that leave us scratching our heads.

Consider this gem, for example:

Also in December, the Department of Health’s Web site was hacked to show DOH Secretary Francisco Duque III blowing on “penises.”

Now, we get that saying that a member of the cabinet sucks cocks is probably libelous. The paragraph asks more questions than it answers, though. Most nagging of which are: What was he blowing on? Were they penises? Or just things that looked like penises? Were they hotdogs? I mean, that’s a pretty easy call to make,

You don't need to be a doctor to know your penises...

(Thx, Gibo Teodoro!)

QC mayoral race turns nasty

Welcome to the Nasty North.

Although it’s the city of the future, Quezon City proves that it is still in touch with its roots as it kicks off the festive election season with the traditional black propaganda campaign.

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Dumbest News Flash Ever

Under the headline “Public warned of new ploy by robbers“:

MANILA, Philippines – Police warned the public on Wednesday against the new operation of a robbery group which attacks its victims by hitting them first on the head before carting away their valuables.

Gee, thanks, Philippine Daily Inquirer. That’s not even a ploy!