How Much Is That Indio In The Window?

For Independence Day ’09, The Indolent Indio is publishing a series of posts that touch on nationalism, freedom, and crass comedy.

This is the first post in the series

Ninoy Assassination - PWNED

CSI: You're doing it wrong.

A recent study has shown that the value of the average Filipino has plummeted steadily over the years.

Whereas 20 years ago the Filipino was worth dying for, today, they are valued to be just worth getting crippled for. In some markets, the price is pegged much lower, with the average Filipino merely worth enduring a bout of minor migraines for.

Experts suggested that the devaluation of the Filipino is linked to their increasing assumption of foreign culture and attitudes, especially western ones, at the cost of their own.

“If I want an American, I’d get an American, not a bad third world copy of one.” said an irate consumer.

John Gulliver, one of the American high school students behind the research, wrote,

“It’s no wonder they’re worth so little. Hell, those Philipino [sic] monkeys can’t even properly feed and shelter over 60% of their population, but they’re already acting like citizens of a developed nation, spending their money on Starbucks Frappuccinos and Ford Explorers.”

The study roused the anger of many Filipinos. The President herself reacted violently, issuing a statement condemning the study as unsound, and asserting that the Filipino was at least worth getting paralyzed from the neck down for.

However, foreign investors agreed readily with the study, even claiming that the Filipino was not worth more than suffering about two to three flesh wounds for.

Members of the Association of Filipino Jews (all three of them) also condemned the study, but on different grounds.

They believe that bodily harm was such a preposterous and inane metric to measure the worth of the Filipinos.

Instead, they’re pushing for the adoption of the Pounds of Flesh (PoF) system. However, past complications of the system, particularly concerning extraneous variables involving vital fluids, still remain unresolved to this day, rendering its widespread usage unfeasible.

“It’s so sad talaga to find out that what my Dad died for is worth so little now,” said Kris Aquino, daughter of Benigno Aquino Jr., whose martyrdom triggered the EDSA Revolution in 1986. “But enough him, let’s talk about Joey na. My God, his gun was so big …” (2003)

aircheckUnwitting guest blogger Aircheck has since disappeared from the Internet, and has never been seen again.


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